It is so… hopeful, to read back the title of this year’s blog. The others have been depressing (indicative of my usual personality – high highs, and low lows), so to sum this year as being peaceful, marks an emotional state in my life, being over. Time to put big boy feelings away for a while, and just enjoy the day-to-day routines of my silly life. Keeping the flat I love clean, attending my yoga class without fail, rain or shine (when no one else seems to be capable when we’ve all paid £140!), and following my phone alarm clock like it's gospel, always having my 8 hours sleep. A handful around me are getting married, having babies, but I’ve never felt like I needed any of that. The only thing I want to nourish is myself. Now I have the full freedom and space in my mind to do just that.
This is partly due to ex-friends being a distant memory, with the flat I love being their goodbye blessing (I would have never found it without them). It never stays stagnant either – my sofa bed (for free thanks to work!) is now a healthy addition (no use it on it just yet…)
After I felt it weighing on my mind for so long, every weekend and long evening chained to it… my big ethical dilemma at work has come to a close. I’ve done everything I can in my power. It was freeing to recognise that I’d started bringing it up to friends again, as I was (no longer afraid of the possibility of being asked for updates on something which had no ending). The reply is still to come, but that is such a small thing to deal with, negative or otherwise. I feel like the majority of people, naturally, have a greedy self-focus. As we should! But with no sacrifice, ever, using their agency and power to fight back. This journey proves we all CAN have both, and I am proud that this is the type of person I want to be. I gave a year of my time away to my community, and now I am free! Many feel life is short – I feel I’ve lived a million lives already, and could die tomorrow, fully in peace. I have the space to give away my time. That being said, I do feel an innate need to always be growing, feeling uncomfortable in long pauses. But now I can look back and appreciate that it was worth it, and the freedom I have now.
There were other special moments, too, small reminders that my life was still being lived! Having my ear pierced has been part of my big three (hair dye, piercing and tattoo), and yet one day, years after wanting it… the day naturally came. Everything I want arrives in time 😊 Now it feels like an extension of my identity – Kip gave me all of their extras, and so we match when we meet, and Angel gave me my first gift of a pair! I want any extras now to arrive very slowly; only the best for big memories.
I also got picked to be on the talk show panel of Celebrity Big Brother, saw my first opera at my local theatre, which just keeps on giving (‘The Medium’ by Menotti), and I went on my first cruise ever! Now I’m hooked for life, the best holiday type ever. I was nervous to go on a holiday just with Angel, but in reality, it locked in our friendship far beyond hugs in office chairs.
One DL lover that had come to me once before, this time, looked me up and down as I put on my lingerie, and changed his mind. I remember the emotional sequence – shock, then defeat. I drew my arm to the exit like an air hostess, and he scuttled out, never messaging me again. Whilst gutting in the moment, I don’t need him, and it makes me appreciate the men who do want to grow with me, compliment me, and gush over me. Warts, tummy, skin tags and all.
I have more free time in 2025 to think about the lighter goals that have always been there – going to the dentist, writing a song, planning a monumentous 30th. But let’s keep 29 simple. By this I don’t mean my Dad saying “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” of his pizza express addiction, which takes my eyes on a rollercoaster. I mean starting my gym journey on top of yoga, getting the tattoos I’ve always been dreaming of, and thinking of my career (which feels like the new waiting moment after my ethical problem). With redundancies happening for the first time, it was a stark reminder to never feel fully comfortable. This year is all about me. And… not doing much of significance at all. Life is good. Life is peaceful right now. I wish this feeling on everyone.
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