24; The Year Of Pause

Every year on a piece of lined notebook paper, I aim to add in monthly the biggest event or emotion that happened. They form these yearly blogs, flooding my mind with the annual ball, each moment choreographed into the whirlwind which is my life. This year I searched high and low until I realised; I didn’t make one. As nothing happened 💭

So many video calls... some with famous faces though!

I could make this blog dramatically dark, as is my default looking at the past two years titles (The Year Of Almosts / The Year I Broke). This cements to me how much of a rollercoaster my psyche is. As my life normally is calm and carefree without weight, any drama naturally exhausts me, and I can’t be bothered. Thus, when a dark moment happens, it is all-consuming. So, I won’t be making this the dominant feature of this years, even though it is during a pandemic. It was cute to start; I’d watch Channel 5 whilst working, and donate bin fulls to charity. But when my time management slipped, I did too. I would be angry, cry at random moments, snap at my managers, and feel weeks go by where I achieved… nothing. I lived to work. I’m happy in lockdown three, the rollercoaster is no longer at double speed 💖

Taking in every single lockdown relaxing before the walls came up again

This pandemic year ultimately gave me space, slowly lining up all the wonderful experiences and friends like dominos of what could have been. As time goes on, however, you learn to no longer keep them standing; they need to fall and shatter, as the future the government has defined is uncertain. So, this now MUST, for your own sanity, and tranquillity, be a time all about keeping yourself afloat 👤

In this moment, some things have (I know, in my heart, temporarily) changed for the better. I’m getting 9 hours of sleep consistently, and so I have no need for daytime naps on weekends. I discovered the beauty of the world on my doorstep, no longer being a space just to get me from the tube and back. I’m now enjoying SO MANY pieces of media, all at once. Instead of just Doctors as it’s easy to consume in a rapid day, I’m now watching When They See Us, The Morning Show, Selling Sunsets, Queens Gambit, listening to The Snow And The Works On The Northern Line and playing Florence on my iPhone. All these characters are walking down my high street beside me, never mingling but still intertwined all the same. It’s so… stimulating! 😁

So many beautiful houses and spaces never me which are perfect for reading!

Creativity was a necessity to connect with lovers, and now some unique roleplay photos I took may be accepted into the Museum of London’s archives… And of course, the shining star was doing the impossible. When all the barbers were shut, my patience snapped, and the kitchen scissors came out. I loved the look. It’s an incredible feeling, and now I have no fear of doing it all over again! 💥

In an impossible time, I did many impossible things. And it made me realise how many times I’ve yearned to do the impossible before, and always let it drift by to focus on the everyday. Well, it’s time to lay down the concrete and not take time for granted anymore 😇

In the next two years (it would be poetic to do them in this 25th year but let’s be realistic), I WILL do these five impossible things: 

1) Dye My Hair ✌

It all sounds a bit complicated so I’ve never gone through with it, but silver really is a must. 

2) Get Wrist Tattoos ✌

This will form over a series of posts I imagine, but ever since one temporarily tattoo experiment, they’re all I’ve been able to think about. This will be a journey.

3) Ban Connect-4 Games ✌

We’ve all tried one, we all have one lurking on our phones. Of course, I am so happy if they bring you joy. They fill gaps in time and there’s a great feeling when you beat a level you long gave up on. But I’ve always wanted to explore new worlds and feelings in my mobile games. It’s time to ditch the Candy Crush and go deeper. 

4) Buy Rubber ✌

Many single kinksters will resonate with the tension between wanting all the latest gadgets, but of course the time spent with others enjoying it being far between. Well, it’s time for self-love. Rubber is beautiful and after testing some in Regulation, I just need to go all out and get a second skin.

4) Go All Out With Friends ✌

One part of life that I always revel in, is the fantasies of the mind. It doesn’t matter if anything comes true, the scenarios of travels, riches and fantastical people prove to me that life has joy. An extension of this is the dream holidays that spark up with friends, but never happen. Well, no more. These two years are going to be mind-blowing: 

• Paris with Laurence 

• Weekend theatre trip in another city with James 

• Legoland with Jayne, Charlie, Patrick and Layla 

• Going abroad with the Glam 5 

In a cursed year, cackling in its single demand to pause the world… I’ve started moving, more than ever before 💙