21

Am I an adult now? My dad made a really big fuss of this being a special year, trying to organise as much family as possible to come to a really fancy pub with a billion spirits I had no desire to try (Thankyou for the effort though Dad; you make me so happy these days, especially with buying me the femme Christmas present I asked for). Why does 21 have this construct of being an adult? In reality, this year had the same amount of emotional spears that I hope will never decrease.

Going back to Brighton always lets me get me queer fix I haven't been able to find in London yet

I graduated from the University of Brighton, and I still can’t believe I can add this… with a FIRST. I’ve just always seen myself as a B, 7/10 guy. Robert Bone doesn’t end up on top?! Every 4am library sesh, meetings where my lecturers were worried about how anxious I was, CRYING with dread, taking part in every single society and ‘thing’ when everyone else wanted to take it slow... makes me so PROUD that I am different. I left no stone unturned. My dissertation is truly the biggest achievement of my life; seeing it be utilised by the museum I worked with, shows it was all worthwhile. It was ME that did this, not luck. And oh yeah, did I mention I balanced this with going to KENYA on my course?! (a whole other post haha). I can do anything I want to; I am unstoppable.

Even with this success though, it doesn’t mean life has been plain sailing after moving to London for my Masters. I’ve realised this an experience city; TimeOut is my boyfriend, and I want it all. But…this no stone unturned attitude, just isn’t reciprocated in anyone else. And so I send out lots of messages, don’t get much of a reply, and end up being sad. I can happily go to lectures and movies by myself, but it’s the brunches, the pop ups, the 8am Store-Opening-Pusheen-keyring-handout-BUT-you-might-win-a-jumbo-plush moments that you need someone to share it with. On one hand I am really happy about moving to London; the groups of people I used to hang out with have trailed away, leaving the most special to rise to the top who I now adore even more. And I’d give them my all. But they aren’t here. And so in one way, I’m lonelier than ever.

I'm now racking up a list of privledged gays who see criticsm as hate [and thus block it out].

So what does 21 mean? A year of new beginnings for sure; being able to get a job in store 1000 (yes, VERY glam) in Boots at Piccadilly Circus through a FAVOUR where I now work the fragrance counter all by myself feels like a dream come true. It was also the year of beginnings which have never ended; I feel so, so, HAPPY taking the train back to Brighton and seeing all the LGBTQ society gang again for their various parties. It’s as if I never left, a family which will grow but never change; I’ll always have a space in the Brighton Pride parade too as an alumni too. But…it was also the year of beginnings I wish had stayed at the beginning. Why can I not get over the one man I adore, but doesn’t adore me back. Why do I put myself through this torment, thinking of so many ways to get him to notice me whilst knowing I am never his best, or even just as equal to all his others. I always say that if you aren’t adult about having sex (and friends with benefits), you shouldn’t be having it. Yet here I am. I am the soup of the day.

Being able to experience a first EVER christmas pudding / christmas cracker with one of my international student friends was something I never thought about before, but now will cherish forever!

Feels so GOOD that this wasn't the road I took, and instead became friends with all the newbies!

Age is a construct. Youth is a construct. Being an adult is a construct. 21, meant nothing and everything. As hopefully, will every year of my life. Even now as I’m sat in work experience at Manifest, I’m missing lectures. But its incredible, everyone has been so welcoming and Its made me content that this is what I want to do. I never make easy decisions. I’m not easy. I love this fucking weird concoctions of emotions I am; may it never, ever stop.