Last year was a time of uncertainty, unsure of my place in
the world, not being able to understand the workings of other people and why
they don’t see the world I do. Now, I feel a great sense of calmness. Going to university
has been the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s chewed me up, made me
terrified, made me sad and confused, and now I have come out knowing of the
workings of life, and I feel better prepared. It does feel right when I talk
about dramas that my friends are having who are in years below me; it’s their
time. And it feels right for me to go. Christmas was good, my friends are good,
I am content. But that means I'm no longer growing; I need to move on.
The main thing that I have learned this year, is just how
much power I actually hold over people, and I need to take responsibility in
that. I’ve never wanted a boyfriend at university; this is time for me to grow,
alone. And whilst I can proudly and confidently say I never lead people on with
that possibility….people do want love, when I haven’t. And this can lead to
awful consequences. All I want is for everyone to be happy, and the way I have
been treated when all I have ever been is nice, is wrong. But it’s time to move on
from Grindr into a new sense of relationship maturity; what do I actually want
now?
If you aren’t in a friend group, there is probably a good
reason why you are not there. You shouldn’t be jealous of others being close
together, as you have the same closeness with your friends; you can’t win
everyone. Trying to barge my way into another group was bold, and I am proud
that I went out of my comfort zone, trying to befriend someone I always
admired; but what I found made me appreciate who I already have. Thanks to my friends, I am seeing more clearly now when people have wronged me, and I need to stand up for myself more; if I don't care about them, I shouldn't be wasting time trying to make amends with them. But I still have long to go on this road. If people leave you, you’ve also left
them; and there’s a reason why. My second year was bold, but also filled with
boredom. My third year is so, SO much happier. I sometimes wonder where they’ve
gone, and I never hear from them – I’m way ahead, honey.
As I start applying for masters, I have no clue what the
future holds. I’ve been in this safe bubble for three years now, and I’ve never
had to leave it. Being in Kenya for the last two weeks has showed me my life isn't at a creative and transformative standstill; I'll always keep growing. The future, is now exciting! Here’s to a new city. Here’s to new experiences, and new
people. Here’s to a whole new me. The adult me. What will London do to me?
It’s time for others to find themselves in this crazy, beautiful city. I love you Brighton; you made me.
Rob X
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